“Threats to Marriage in Hard Times”

“Marriage is more than finding the right person. It is being the right person.” ~ Charles Shedd.

 Money is the leading source of conflict in marriage. Money is connected to our deepest emotional needs for security, power, control, independence, and self-worth. Many of us do not understand this, so when we fight with our spouses about money, we really don’t understand what the battles are about.  While  the present economic downturn has affected us all,  it is stressing many marriages to the breaking point.

 Husbands tend to worry most about losing their jobs. Wives tend to worry most about losing their home and becoming destitute. Both worry about being able to afford good educations for their children and a comfortable retirement. These tensions can result in irritability, anxiety, depression, blaming,  shaming, and anger. The increased stress from financial pressures  very often causes  a couple’s sex life to suffer. When there is tension over money, some couples go to extremes as their anxiety increases. Savers tend to become super-savers, spenders often become super-spenders. These over- reactions push financially stressed-out couples farther apart.

 When an economic downturn  suddenly threatens a marriage, it may be the result of problems that were present all along. When times are good and money is more plentiful, people are more tolerant of each other. If  you don’t like the other person, you can go shopping or buy “big-boy toys.” Being able to spend freely can enable you to ignore or cover-up relationship  issues  and family problems. Some  people spend money to ease emotional pain.  When things go bad economically and money is tight, suddenly people have to TALK to each other. Many financial problems lead to more serious marital problems because there is a fundamental communication problem.

 Much marital tension may arise when couples have different attitudes toward risk taking.  In the late ‘90s, the stock and real estate markets were going up, and the spouse who was a bigger risk taker looked smart as the family’s assets grew. Now, as values are going down, the spouse less inclined to take risks may be pointing the finger of blame, saying, “See, if you had just  listened to me, we wouldn’t be in this shape.” This  certainly  can take a toll on a marriage. Does this sound familiar? It does to many!

 If you feel that your marriage is being threatened or even torn apart by financial pressures, what can you do? What should you do? Here are some modest suggestions:

 

1.       Seek professional help. See a marriage counselor. Most issues of conflict in marriage, especially financial issues, are due to problems in communicating.  If you need a referral to an experienced marriage counselor, contact my office.

2.      Consult a financial advisor or CPA who can help you and your spouse work together on your financial challenges. This can include budgeting,  spending, saving, investing, debt management,  financial conflict resolution,  etc.

3.      Realize that the fees you will pay marriage counselors and  financial advisors will be much less than what you would pay divorce lawyers.

4.      Have regular, respectful money talks with your spouse. Meet with your spouse weekly or monthly to discuss your worries over money, review your options,  brainstorm  about solutions, and work together to develop a plan that reduces both partners’ stress.  If emotions tend to run high, have your meetings in a public place, such as a restaurant.

5.      Do Money Dialogues. This is a powerful exercise where you write down an imaginary dialogue  between yourself and Money. On paper, tell Money about your frustrations with it and how Money makes you feel. Share this with your spouse as you feel comfortable .

6.      Fight for your marriage! Don’t let money and communication problems destroy your marriage. Many of us can remember the days of our marriages when we made a lot less money, had many fewer things, and were much happier with each other. Seek to recapture those feelings. Get to know your spouse again.

7.      Watch what you say. Talk to your children about money and the family’s finances TOGETHER. Don’t seek to cast blame on your spouse.

8.      Let go. Purge your need to control or be in control and watch power struggles in your marriage vanish. Talk to one another. Take the TV out of your bedroom. Make love, not war.

9.      Go places together.  Collect experiences, not possessions.

10.  Wives, understand that money troubles directly affect a man’s self esteem as a provider. Husbands, understand that money troubles directly affect a woman’s sense of security.  Live with each other with understanding.

We live in a country with a fifty per cent divorce rate, and financial pressures caused by the present economic crisis threaten to push this even higher. Don’t be part of this dismal statistic. Remember the words of  pastoral counselor Walter Chantry: “How soon marriage counseling sessions would end if husbands and wives were competing in thoughtful self denial.”